When Do Kids Understand Death?
Thursday, July 09, 2009 Posted by A Busy Mommy
When Do Kids Understand Death?
The reason I ask is because yesterday, My little guy and I went swimming at the local University Swimming Pool. We do this quite often and yesterday was nothing different, until we left the pool. My 4 year old ran off, ran down the hill and wouldn't stop. Through all of our yelling, telling him to stop, he wouldn't. There was a half ton coming...
His father grabbed him, put him under his arm and put him in the car. Needless to say, he came home and was put to bed...
Before he fell asleep, I went in and asked him if he knows why he got in trouble - his response..."Because I didn't listen."
I asked him if he knows what would happen if that truck had hit him - he said..."I would die and go to live with god."
My response was - "And then Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be able to see you anymore, hug you anymore, we wouldn't have our Ben anymore..."
His response - "But when the baby comes out of your belly you could name it Ben, then you would have your Ben..."
This is Hard! I didn't think these things would come up quite so fast. We do all we can to keep him safe. Keep him out of harms way, but things can still happen in the blink of an eye. Thankfully yesterday the truck driver saw him, and his Dad was able to get to him.
The thing that really flabberghasts me, is Ben's obsession with his family dying. He asks us almost daily "When are you going to Die?" I always tell him "not for a very very long time" his father tells him "Never" ( I wish he wouldn't do that, because you really never know).
When I ask him why he's worried about us dying - he says" because I don't want any of my family to die"
He seems to understand a little bit of it, though not the full concept - I don't expect him too understand it all (who does?) But at 4 years old...this is hard.
I'd love to hear how others explain this to their children, how do you make them understand that if they run into oncoming traffic, they wont be here anymore?
The reason I ask is because yesterday, My little guy and I went swimming at the local University Swimming Pool. We do this quite often and yesterday was nothing different, until we left the pool. My 4 year old ran off, ran down the hill and wouldn't stop. Through all of our yelling, telling him to stop, he wouldn't. There was a half ton coming...
His father grabbed him, put him under his arm and put him in the car. Needless to say, he came home and was put to bed...
Before he fell asleep, I went in and asked him if he knows why he got in trouble - his response..."Because I didn't listen."
I asked him if he knows what would happen if that truck had hit him - he said..."I would die and go to live with god."
My response was - "And then Mommy and Daddy wouldn't be able to see you anymore, hug you anymore, we wouldn't have our Ben anymore..."
His response - "But when the baby comes out of your belly you could name it Ben, then you would have your Ben..."
This is Hard! I didn't think these things would come up quite so fast. We do all we can to keep him safe. Keep him out of harms way, but things can still happen in the blink of an eye. Thankfully yesterday the truck driver saw him, and his Dad was able to get to him.
The thing that really flabberghasts me, is Ben's obsession with his family dying. He asks us almost daily "When are you going to Die?" I always tell him "not for a very very long time" his father tells him "Never" ( I wish he wouldn't do that, because you really never know).
When I ask him why he's worried about us dying - he says" because I don't want any of my family to die"
He seems to understand a little bit of it, though not the full concept - I don't expect him too understand it all (who does?) But at 4 years old...this is hard.
I'd love to hear how others explain this to their children, how do you make them understand that if they run into oncoming traffic, they wont be here anymore?
July 9, 2009 9:29 PM
That was about the time my son, now 5 started asking about death.
Same questions, same fears, so I tried to answer them in a short by substantial way and soon deviate to a happier topic so he could feel reassured and safe.
In my case, the stress of these questions was mostly about my own fears of loosing him, or him loosing me! I am 35 and I am still struggling with the thought of death.
He has grown out of it, at least for now, and when he talks about is less stressed and has become part of his understanding of our life cycle.
I just ask God to grant me health and strength to keep on helping them all be happy, healthy and very very old before I had to die, or I will have to let go. Ouch... just the thought hurts!
July 9, 2009 11:10 PM
My four sons have had to deal with death at a young age. I've had cancer 3 times. My sister died 7 years ago at age 46 from the same cancer I have. I am matter of fact about death. It is a normal part of life. We believe in God and the afterlife. We have also taken them to wakes, visitations funerals and the more fun luncheons after wards since they were very young. Crying-showing emotions and feelings is allowed in our family and I'm proud that my now grown sons feel freen to cry. If your son runs out in traffic tell him if he gets hit by a truck it will HURT A LOT and it will hurt his mom and dad's heart to lose him. He could also live and not be able to walk or play again if he is severely injured. Your husband telling him he will never die is ridiculous and immature. Our society is so afraid of dying because so few people have such little faith. We all die. Just tell your son if he is asking that we all die eventually-no one knows when or how except God and we put our trust in him. From an 11 year cancer survivor.
July 10, 2009 12:13 PM
I totally understand the anxiety, fear, and frustration you must felt as your little boy was running down the hill, not listening, and the truck coming. I almost started crying as I read it. This has happened to me on numerous occasions.
I think that the way you talked to him about not being able to hug him anymore or be with him anymore was a good idea. Do you have a name for the baby yet? You might consider telling him the baby's name and that there will never be another Ben just like him. Thanks so much for sharing a heartfelt moment with us :) ♥Happy Friday!♥
July 10, 2009 9:26 PM
Wow.
I read a book recently (and reviewed it on my SMS Book Reviews blog) that touched on death and kids 2-6. It was VERY good and explained what they understand, why they might ask questions like you said he did and most importantly, WHAT to say to him.
It's called: Just Tell Me What To Say by Betsy Brown Braun. I HIGHLY recommend you check it out.
July 14, 2009 3:25 PM
Death is a difficult subject even for most adults. However for children abstract thinking must be in place for a good understanding and this does not happen until around the age of 12. Now this does not mean that you can not talk to your child about death until age 12...It just means that, like anything else, we must explain and talk about it in terms they understand. Keeping it simple. At age 3 & 4 when children's imaginations start to be very active it is difficult for them do disern between was is real or not. For example, monsters..no matter how much you explain to a 3 yr old that monsters are not real..it doesn't work because to him they are real, being scared is real. So you come up with ways to feel safe: pray, come tell mom and dad, spray them with monster spray...whatever works. My son who is 3 1/2 asks a lot of questions about death and going to heaven etc. We talk to him about these issues...letting him know death is part of life. When he asks if we are going to die I say, "yes we are we just don't know when hopefully it won't be for a long time". I also use this time to discuss our faith and beliefs with him. As with everything else talk to your kids about these subjects don't be afraid to dicuss them because you are uncomfortable with the subject (when I say you, I mean all of us). This is how they learn to accept death as being part of life and that choices we make can affect the outcome. I hope this helps some. Take care and best of luck.
Kandi
The Baby's Bundle